Cleaning Perspectives

Cleaning things is a terrible waste of time. Everything just gets dirty again, so what is the point? It is the definition of fruitless, universally true, and ultimately a colossal waste of time and energy. At the end of our lives, no one will ever say “Gosh, what a shame, and they were always so clean.”, or “My, it was so sudden but her house was always so tidy” In fact more people will likely be wondering how long before we turn to ashes or dust, cause that’s the last thing anyone needs is another pile of dust.

An uncle of mine was (and is) a farmer. He has never washed his truck. Ever. It must be an antique, and although the rain has kept some of the blue paint visible, for the most part it is a rolling mud covered chunk of rust. I believe the cohesiveness of the grime is holding it together. In any case his axiom was that if God put it there, he could take it away too. His reasoning was great, although he wasn’t completely consistent himself, as each winter he does plow the snow. I liked his thinking, so I adopted it, which was great until my boss asked me to tidy the public washrooms, and as an articulate, albeit lazy 16 year old, I asked why bother cleaning it, if it was just going to get dirty again. Towards the end of a rather lengthy lecture, he brought up showering, and asked if that’s how I felt about personal hygiene. Needless to say I quickly shut up and proceeded to scrub the toilets.

I have learned that there are tricks to having people think you are a clean freak, without dedicating your life to cleanliness. The most important things to remember are extra bedrooms, crawl spaces and the garage don’t count in cleanliness tests. They are like the FREE spot on a bingo card. Simply toss all of your junk into one of these FREE zones, and make the rest of your house look less cluttered, and cleaner. Be sure you can still close the door though, as falling debris can pose a hazard, which brings up our next tip. Closets. They are as good as gold, and what are the chances someone will look? Life is like Vegas, always play the odds.

My aunt used to have elaborate turkey dinners, which we often attended. She had obviously cooked all day judging from the number of courses, but when we sat down to eat dinner, the kitchen counters were clear. No pots or pans or mixing bowls. Just the beautifully presented platters and a spotless counter. My Mom once asked how she managed to clean everything up before the meal, to which see replied “don’t look in the oven”. She is a professional cheater. What a scam! Had my Mom not asked, to this day she would be revered as a miracle cleaner.

We all have the basic instinct to cheat. When going out on a date, it is a known fact that men will remove all of their junk from their cars, and toss it in their apartments. Meanwhile the female dates take all of the junk from their apartments and toss it into their cars, in anticipation of their boy friends arrival. This continues through the courting process and ultimately sets up everyone for a huge disappointment when they start living together. No wonder there are so many divorces.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in personal hygiene, and some semblance of order, however watching a sunset, reading a book, or playing catch with the kids, in my opinion, is a far better investment than vacuuming, scrubbing the shower, or doing laundry. At least I hope that is what they say about me when it is my turn to become dust on your mantle.

by Ken Pukanich


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